True Customer Service Story (Mostly)

Know this friends: When you sit in a hot tub with your perfectly good cell phone in your bathing suit pocket, it won’t work so well when you get out. Like most of the lessons I’ve learned in life; I learned this one the hard way. My phone did not survive this adventure and I ended up with a new  device, not getting an I Phone since I am somehow contractually tied into my current service provider, “”Run Really Fast” (Not their real name) for the next seven generations.

Is there any reason to be surprised that the FCC is currently investigating phone contract termination fees?

The new “Instinct”, like my coveted I Phone, has a touch screen and, for once, I took the sales rep’s advice and I bought the “Insurance” on this new technology. I got the new phone on September 8th and by January 23rd, the screen was only half visible. The tech at the “Run Really Fast” no service center identified it as “bleeding” yesterday, without even taking the phone out of my hand. “That will be $119 for us to “diagnose”  it. “But I have a warranty and insurance.” Again, from 5 feet away, as if I or my phone were contagious, I was told my damage was not covered by the warranty. “Do you actually have X Ray vision?” I asked, but, alas, somehow I had voided my warranty and, worse yet, I had unwittingly exposed the super powers of the phone technician.

Most of us in the Affluent Artist category are in business somehow. We are taking care of clients, trying to find new ones and hoping to sell more of our work. It’s been my experience that deliberately setting out to deceive your customers is not a rewarding business strategy; yet, somehow, this whole phone contract service thing is an institutional scam that even Ponzi himself would be embarrassed to pull off.

I’ve never had a phone last until my contract expires, so, in order to not pay the Break Your Arm retail price for a replacement phone, I am forced to sign up for more time with my carrier, and, with 4 of us on the plan, there is never a time we aren’t extending our contract. By the time we can get away from Run Really Fast we won’t have cell phones anymore, we’ll just tele transport to each other.

Here’s the thing, that insurance that covers your phone in case you take it swimming? They forgot to mention that it has a hundred dollar deductible, my monthly insurance fee and the deductible mean I am just paying for phones ahead of time!  So, when my magic diagnosis of, “We don’t cover that” was handed down at the Run Really Fast store, I was back on the phone with customer no-service. They were fairly intractable; my phone, which has not been taken swimming or dropped off a moving John Deere, was not covered by warranty. It was suggested I use one of my kids’ upcoming expiring contracts to purchase yet another phone.

“No I think, as the contracts expire I’ll get an I Phone for each kid.”

Wow, those are the magic words, I was suddenly transferred to the “Kiss the Customer’s Butt” department, where I was told, “You got the right department, I will make sure we don’t lose a customer”. (I had the feeling it was the same guy, disguising his voice through a toilet paper holder and speaking with a fake southern accent). My choice: Send the phone to the manufacturer for their warranty service and be without a phone for 2 weeks… Or, pay the $100 deductible on the insurance and have the phone tomorrow…. Or, upgrade my phone. We weren’t getting anywhere, but Mr. Kiss my Butt, who sounded like he was the chairman of the Masters,  wasn’t done. “Suh, I see you are a very, very good customer and I am authorized to lower your deductible to $50.”

“Well, ok, but I’ll still be buying I Phones for the other numbers”.

“Suh, I see you’ve been with us for years (I know, can’t get away), let me see if I can twist some arms and get my manager to authorize waiving the entire deductible”  At this point, I’m pretty sure my phone rep, in his zeal to get me a great deal, went Jack Bauer. He kicked down the manager’s cubicle and shot him in the knee, standing over him, through clenched teeth snarling, “Don’t make me shoot you again, do you hear me?”

The deductible was waived and I have a new phone on the way. I was assured that the $100 fee would still have to go on my bill but “Believe me” it will be removed as soon as I send back my broken phone and the shell of a road killed armadillo. And a promise that I would never, ever consider buying an I Phone again. Ok, but Google’s Android will be out soon…